Monday, September 13, 2004

I'm Never Falling In Love Again

Meeting up with all these ex-girlfriends. I really can't shut the door, you know? One's moving to New York for a boy--having moved to Portland for a boy before that. I was going to marry that one, about fourteen years ago. Another's thinking of moving to Kansas for a boy. Kansas! Never move to a place people don't write songs about. (Wait…didn't Wolfgang Press write a song called “Kansas”? Oh shit, there was that whole 70's classic rock debacle. “Dust in the Wind.” Dust in the crack of your ass, farm boy!)

The last one--I was going to marry her too-recently told me she “gets her best ideas while on mushrooms.” This was as she was telling me about her idea for a line of designer toilet seats.

It's like revisiting graves--a little easier each time, and a little harder. You start to miss the fact that you don't miss them. You miss your memories as they fade. There were good times--weren't there?--and now you're denied access. And the bad times no longer hurt, the scars have faded--if you got a tattoo, maybe you got your money's worth. Otherwise, you've been robbed.

Was it really so special? Did you really “click” on “that other level?” Truth is, you could've fallen in love with anyone. Anyone who'd take the time to tell you you're special. All these interchangeable faces, assuring each other they're unique. Really--it could've only been you.

“In a Station of the Metro”

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

--Ezra Pound

I'm not unique, and neither are you. We're not even separate from each other. Why waste energy perpetuating a lie. I'm never falling in love again.

Famous last words. Then I hear the Velvets, “Over You”:

Here I go again
Just gonna play it like a fool again
Here I go again
Over you

There's the comfort: I'll go through this dance infinitely, over you and _over you_, you know? Going through it, and through with it, simultaneously. “This too shall pass.” There's no avoiding that fact. What changes is, as you get older, you take comfort in it during the ecstasy as well as the agon

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