Friday, September 17, 2004

Refraining From Sexual Misconduct

So the ex just left. I was really too tired to deal, and I was trying my best to not answer her phone calls, but today was shite at work (see last entry), so I gave in, went out for a cup of coffee. I wanted to be mindful, you know, observe the fourth precept: "refrain from sexual misconduct," but I knew I wouldn't be. And what would the misconduct be? Knowing that I didn't feel that way for her, but that a warm body would be nice. Comforting. To quote the Soul Asylum song, "All the Kings Friends":

"Remarkably incredible, incredibly forgettable
I know this might sound strange, don't ever change
Amazingly unfaceable, entirely replaceable
There's nothing I would rearrange, don't ever change"

I guess that's not so bad, just wanting to get down with someone, but I just don't want to cloud my head like that. I don't want to return to a place when I'm convinced I'm in love again, when really I just got on the wrong bus. Oh, sorry--don't know the town very well. Where am I?

She's trying to buddy up to me because she's found her incessant partying and her fast friends of the past few months kind of hollow. But it's like my friend Jen said: "I don't need another project." I want to meet someone I don't have to hip to my favorite bands or tell crazy stories of my crazy jobs, or whatever. I really don't want to put in the work, nor do I just want to use someone to get off. Because when the haze has cleared, there you are, buck ass naked trying to fucking relate. How 'bout them Giants? I'd rather just rub one out and go to bed: I'm the ultimate cheap date.

So we had coffee, and hung out a bit, and we were in my bedroom, and I don't know. I just didn't feel the need. Ultimately, I knew I'd done the right thing by not tying our shoelaces together again. ("Look--we can't walk! How charmingly debilitating! We're codependent and in American culture, that spells L-O-V-E!") Of course, it felt the opposite--felt like I'd blown it by not getting down with that hot body again.

This too shall pass. I'll feel better in the morning

No comments: