Sip and Stir

Okay, I'm all for people getting their coffee on, and I'm all for freedom. Coffee is my life. And if a man (or woman) is deprived of coffee, well, I can't think of anything more Stalinist and fucked up than that. So let's be clear: 1) Viva coffee. 2) Viva freedom.

So have you're coffee your way, the world is your Burger King, champ. I'll even stand in line behind you with a good-natured smile on my face while you order some liquid paradox like a double decaf nonfat latte.

But what pisses me off is this: The Sip and Stirs. I'm in Brainwash for lunch about ten minutes ago. The area for setting up your brew is big enough for one person. So I'm standing there with a cup of black coffee burning my hand, trying to dump some cream in it and get back to work, and the guy in front of me is playing Julia Child meets Juan Valdez with this pinch here, dash there bullshit. Sugar. Stir. Blow. Sip. Cream. Stir. Blow. Sip. Sugar…

This might be why I drink my coffee with cream and no sugar. I just fill the empty space with half and half, throw the lid on, and I'm on my way. I don't even stir--I don't need to. The coffee instantly becomes cool enough to drink, and the leche kills a little of the acid, making for a smooth cup. No sugar residue in the mouth, and no sugar crash.

If you're a coffee rookie, step aside and let the pros to the plate. Go warm the bench a little, T-ball, until you're ready for the big leagues. Watch and learn. Grown folks should have their motherfuckin' mixtures down by the time they're old enough to button their own britches and buy their own bean. If you have coffee at least once a day, you should be able to get it the way you like it in 15 to 30 seconds, tops. If you're sipping and stirring, you've clearly got deeper issues of sexual ambivalence, guilt, and separation anxiety that you need to work out with your therapist, who gets paid to wait on your ass.

And if you're not drinking at least a cup a day, you're not doing your part for the war effort, and you should just switch to chai full time, Commie. You're probably trying to “cut down” or you don't really dig that coffee taste. You're probably a fucking vegetarian. In the words of the great Rapeman song, “Steak and Black Onions”: “Why don't you snuff it, man? Plant-eating pussy.”